alarms

there’s always one moment in my day when i just feel an overwhelming sense of dissatisfaction at the normalcy that is my existence; it most often happens when i wake up from a perfect dream or a light sleep, and my stomach churns and hollows when i realize that everything i had created for a night was a figment of my imaginations, and wasn’t how i was living and i start my day exactly the same way as i left it the night before – busy and stressful and strung out and tired and teary and draining and totally and completely the same. and i hardly ever wake up breathing slow and feeling satisfied with the rest, i rise and think of myself as a monstrous gathering of trillions and trillions of atoms that repel and refuse to touch each other but in the same way they are still held against each other and yet nothing is in contact with anything else; at least that is what my teachers taught me, and if that is true, then it explains why i feel so desperately lonely and i desperately search for closeness with another’s atoms even if we’ll never truly touch, at least i won’t feel that overwhelming sense of disappointment whenever i wake.